


I Was Made For You

by Be_eating_you



Series: But Never Alone [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Asexual Character, Asexual Steve Rogers, Crushes, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Genderqueer Character, Light Angst, Long-Distance Relationship, Mild Sexual Content, Nonbinary Bucky Barnes, Nonbinary Character, Other, Polyamory, Supportive Relationship, Trans Bucky, Trans Character, Transphobia, sexual situation does not alter asexual character's orientation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2015-12-04
Packaged: 2018-04-17 08:13:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4659231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Be_eating_you/pseuds/Be_eating_you
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A sequel to "But Never Alone"<br/></p><div class="center">
  <p>• • •</p>
</div><br/>Steve spotted Bucky and felt a smile starting to spread across his face. She was standing with a smaller red headed woman, and she was obviously looking for him -- practically standing on her tip toes despite the advantage that her almost 6' height gave her. The smaller red headed woman patted her on the back and pointed at Steve.
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> On the transphobia tag: no slurs are used in this fic. There is a description of a violent encounter that Bucky experienced. The violence is implied, but not described. 
> 
> There are discussions of the pressure Bucky experiences from both cis and trans people to conform to gendered expectations. 
> 
> There is a long description of Bucky's body that may or may not be triggering to people experiencing physical dysphoria. The description is from Steve's POV and is positive in nature. The changes in her body are due to weight gain and HRT. Please note that it takes a long time for HRT to drastically change a body, especially when dosages of hormones are low. Steve's perceptions of the changes to Bucky's body are partially due to her weight gain and the time it has been since he has seen her.
> 
> This chapter contains positive descriptions of weight gain.

Steve Rogers was asleep, and that was a miracle. It was a miracle because he was on a plane on his way to Oregon and he'd thought he was going to die of anxiety even before he set foot in the air port. Flying was not his thing. The air port was not his thing. The whole concept of traveling was absolutely not his thing. But this, this was going to be worth it. Because at the end of the whole ordeal, he was going to be with Bucky. He hadn't seen her since Christmas -- and even that had seemed too brief. Six months later, and he was dying to be in her company. 

They had agreed that he'd come out to Oregon for a few weeks, and it was about time. Bucky had done all the traveling thus far, and two years into their college years it was only fair that Steve would finally be the one to close the distance. There was a distinct advantage to him going out to see Bucky: privacy. Whenever Bucky came home, they were thrown back into the awkwardness of high school with the choice between staying at her mom's house or with his foster parents. His foster parents didn't approve of Bucky, and Bucky's mom still wanted Bucky to keep her door open when Steve was around.

He couldn't take another round of arguments between Bucky and her mom that reminded Steve of years gone by. 

Bucky had an apartment out in Oregon. It was a novel concept to Steve, really. He was still living at home. With his health being what it was, he couldn't afford to work and go to school if he wanted to _survive_. His foster parents were understanding and encouraged him to focus on school. They also encouraged him to seriously consider going back to the specialist for his back. The curve in his spine was getting worse, and was starting to cause him some nerve pain, but the idea of going to the specialist conjured images of the back brace he had been stuck in as a child. Or worse, metal rods in his back. 

Before Steve had boarded the plane, Bucky had sent him a picture of herself so he'd know what she was wearing. He had spent an embarrassing amount of time staring at the picture. Of course, he had seen pictures of Bucky in the last six months but this particular selfie... she was stunning. Her hair, now just past her shoulders, was put up in a cute messy bun with some of the stray strands delicately curled. Her eyes were done in her favorite winged style with a hint of a smokey shadow. Her lips were pouty and seemed just a shade redder than natural, the vertical labret piercing she'd gotten last year nestled sweetly in the pucker of her lips. She was wearing a black shirt that loosely gathered over her shoulders, displaying her neck in a way that made Steve want to kiss it. 

Her features seemed a little softer than they had two years ago. In that time, Bucky had started HRT, though her dosage of estrogen was fairly low. She had talked with the therapist that she had started seeing out in Oregon about being non-binary and her goals for transition. Steve had been so happy to hear that she'd found someone who understood what she was talking about and what she wanted. The softness in Bucky's face was also partially due to the fact that she had gained weight over the last six months. Steve had initially been concerned when she had told him about the weight gain -- changes in weight could signal adverse things where health was concerned, as he well knew. She had assured him that she had a clean bill of health from her doctors, and that she was happy with what she had gained. They really never talked about it because Steve hadn't wanted to make her uncomfortable, but in high school she had been somewhat obsessed with conditioning her body and closely watching her weight. Then, when she had been asked about it, she always used the excuse of sports that she never committed to or wanting to stay fit. She told Steve she'd realized that it had all been because she wasn't happy with how she looked and that was one tangible way she could get some control over herself. 

Steve was just happy she was happy. He was nearly the same as he had always been. Short, skinny, dressed in jeans, a t shirt and a flannel. The most daring thing he had done that his foster parents could see was getting an undercut. The most daring thing he had done that they couldn't see was the tattoo on his upper thigh. He'd gotten it done over the last Christmas break, while Bucky was there to hold his hand and coo at him for the whole three hours it took. It was a soldier's cross with his father's dog tags on it. His mother's favorite flowers surrounded and accented it. He had drawn up the preliminary himself, and had allowed the tattoo artist to adjust it and add flare. He adored it and wanted more. He wanted one for Bucky, but was yet to approach the subject with her. 

He was jogged awake by the plane landing. Getting up with his messenger bag on his shoulder caused a bright arc of pain through his back. Maybe he really should go back to his specialist. He couldn't help but make a face as he shuffled out with the other passengers, making futile attempts to rub at his back while he walked. Baggage claim was the usual circus that it always was. He snagged his bag and made his way out towards passenger pick up.

Steve spotted Bucky and felt a smile starting to spread across his face. She was standing with a smaller red headed woman, and she was obviously looking for him -- practically standing on her tip toes despite the advantage that her almost 6' height gave her. The smaller red headed woman patted her on the back and pointed at Steve. 

"Stevie!" the sound that Bucky made was part shout and part gasp. She ran for him, literally ran, and scooped him into her arms. He heard his suit case fall over as he was enveloped in the smell of her cologne and the solidness of her arms.

"Oh, fuck, Bucky," he wheezed because of how hard she was hugging him and wrapped his arms around her neck. His back popped a little but it was fine, it was fine because he was in her arms. With a lurch, she lifted him off of his feet and he had to laugh. People would be staring at them, and fuck it. Let them stare. He was used to getting stared at when he was with the sheer force of nature that was his girlfriend. 

"Was your flight alright? I missed you so much," Bucky breathed out, setting him on his feet and peppering him with sweet tasting kisses, "so, so much."

"The flight was fine, baby," Steve looked up at her, smiling at how excited she clearly was, "I missed you, too. Man, you look good."

She did look good. Yes, she had filled out in a very different way than he was used to. She was still muscular, that much was clear, but she was altogether _thicker_ than he had expected even from seeing her pictures. Most of all, she looked happy. 

"You think so?" she picked up his suit case from the ground, "Thank you. I was kinda nervous since, you know. You haven't really seen me like this. Six months... seems longer. Oh!"

Steve smiled, watching Bucky's mental gears visibly change. She was so vibrant now, more so than he had ever seen her -- and that was saying something, since she'd always been a charming person to be around. 

"This is Natalia," Bucky gestured to the redhead, "my roommate. Nat, this is Steve."

"As seen in all the pictures," Nat held her hand out for Steve to shake, "good to finally meet you."

"And you," Steve shook her hand and smiled politely. He'd seen a few pictures of Nat, but seeing her in person was something else. She was small, and _precise_. That was the only way he could think to describe her. Everything about her was carefully calculated and delivered. Bucky had told Steve that Natalia was a dancer, and Steve could see the practiced grace in how she held herself. 

"Let's get you back to the apartment so that you can rest. Nat, do you mind driving?"

"Not at all," Nat said with a small smile that made it easy for Steve to imagine that she killed men for sport, "but I'm borrowing your car for the evening."

"You can have it," Bucky took one of Steve's hands in hers and lugged the suit case he'd brought with the other, "tell Clint I say hi."

Steve felt half in a daze as they made their way through the airport and out to where the car was parked. Bucky and Nat were chatting back and forth, and Bucky was occasionally glancing at him with a big smile. God, she was so beautiful. He couldn't stop looking at her. Six months. How had he gone six months without seeing her?

They got to the apartment in no time at all, or so it seemed to Steve who was struggling not to nod off despite how excited he was to see Bucky. It was a small but nice apartment, decorated in a kind of eclectic way. Nat and Bucky had moved in two months prior. Steve learned that Natalia would be on her own long flight soon enough -- going back to Russia to visit her grandparents. She had moved to the US with her parents when she was four. He realized while she was talking to him about Russia that he had no idea how she had met Bucky. She had just seemingly appeared in Bucky's life. When there was a pause, he cleared his throat and asked, "How'd you meet Bucky again? I forget."

"You don't forget, I never told you," Bucky quipped, but gave him an apologetic look, "I'm sorry, I really should have. I just couldn't handle it."

Well, that certainly made Steve's stomach drop. He glanced up and saw that Nat was watching him closely. 

She clicked her tongue, "About four months ago, I was walking home from the gym when I heard some idiots saying some really, really disgusting things. It pissed me off, and so I followed the stream of stupid. I found three guys in need of having their noses broken."

The blood drained out of Steve's face and he looked over at Bucky. About four months ago, she had briefly stopped sending him pictures. He had initially assumed it was because she was concerned (wrongly) about him judging her for putting weight on. The implications of what he just learned cast it in a very different light. 

"What the-- were you ok, Buck? Why... why didn't you tell me?"

"I was fine," Bucky squeezed his hand, "I had some gross bruises, and I didn't tell you because I didn't want you flying out to Oregon with a lead pipe in hand. I'm sorry. I know I should have told you, but really. I was fine. No one has fucked with me since."

Nat nodded decisively, "No one will."

Steve sat back in his seat, licking his lips, "Ok, but do me a favor? If something like that ever, ever happens again, please tell me?"

Bucky nodded quickly, lifting his hand up and kissing the back. She was about to say something when Nat spoke again, "It isn't going to happen again. That, I guarantee."

Something about the way that Nat said that made Steve believe her.

• • •

They got Steve's things situated after Nat left for the evening. After the initial tension of finding out Bucky had almost been the victim of violence had faded, they settled into their usual familiarity. Every time they were together, it was as if they had never been separated to begin with. Steve loved the fact that he could just reach out and touch her. He could trace the curve of her hip while they cooked dinner together. He found himself leaning into her back, pressing his face against her shoulder. The firmness of muscle was still there, but it was softened and he found it... comforting. He felt like he could fall asleep there, standing and leaning into her back, listening to her deep voice reverberate through her chest.

Bucky lead him to her bedroom after they had eaten and cleaned up. She was quick to gather him into her arms after she'd closed the door, kissing him lovingly. He melted into her, wrapping his arms back around her neck, standing up on his toes and meeting her lips with his. Two years of brief rendezvous had progressed them to the point of passionate open mouthed kissing punctuated by the roaming of hands, but they still hadn't actually had sex. Their sexual contact had been limited to phone calls and texts (something Steve had found unexpectedly exciting). They hadn't really had opportunities to go further the times that Bucky had come home, and well, Steve hadn't been ready. 

He briefly wondered if he'd be ready during the few weeks he was going to be in Bucky's company. She pulled back from him, petting his hair out of his face and he smiled at her. Whether or not they actually had sex was irrelevant so long as he got to be near her. He knew that she was on the same page.

"Are you sure you're not bothered by the weight I gained?" she asked, and dragged him out of his musing. He raised his eyebrows, looking her over.

"Why would I be bothered? You look so happy, Buck. Healthy, too," he answered honestly, resting his hands on her arms, "I've never seen you look more comfortable."

She smiled, squeezing her hands at his hips, "I am. I feel, I don't know. More like me."

Steve found himself rubbing her arms under his hands, "I know I just got here, but I want to draw you, if you don't mind?"

Hesitation crossed her features for a fleeting moment, only to be quickly replaced by a smile, "You haven't drawn me in awhile."

"'Course not, I haven't seen you in awhile. You know I prefer live models."

"Gunna draw me like one of your French girls?" Bucky pulled back from him, letting her hair down and shaking it out over her shoulders, giving him a pout. He couldn't help but laugh. 

"You had to go there, didn't you? Asshole."

"Hey, punk, watch it. Or you're not getting any of this," she gestured at herself, cocking her hip, "And of course. Of course you can draw me. You want to do that now?"

He felt like he probably nodded too fast. 

Twenty minutes and a lot of Titanic jokes later, and Steve was concentrated on drawing. He was sitting in Bucky's computer chair, his sketchbook on his knee and his tongue sticking out the corner of his mouth. Bucky was draped across her bed, her head pillowed on her arms and her eyes closed. Steve told her that it was alright if she fell asleep. He wasn't actually sure if she had taken him up on that. Her breathing was steady and deep, but just shy of being deep enough to indicate sleep. 

Her HRT had been good to her, in Steve's opinion. She had been taking her low dosage of hormones for just over a year, and seeing her nude, Steve could now see the differences in her body he had wondered if he was imagining when he looked at her clothed. The way her body carried the weight she had put on was something he'd describe as more feminine than not. Her thighs, already thick with muscle, were denser now. Her belly was softer, her abs no longer distinguishable like they had been in high school. Her hips were well padded and striped over with stretch marks. He noticed that the muscle that she carried in her body seemed less distinguished, and not just because of the weight she had put on. He traced his pencil over the lines of her body on his paper, taking care to soften a line that indicated the small amount of breast tissue that she had developed. In all fairness, she only just filled the a cup bra that she wore, but it was plenty for all the excitement that the development had brought her. That indication of breast tissue was no surprise to Steve. He'd gotten plenty of selfies with the word "CLEAVAGE" followed by exclamation points. 

Steve loved all of her, even the things that would never change or that Bucky never strove to change about herself. He loved the hair on her legs, and up her belly. He never questioned her decision to shave her armpits which had expanded to waxing her chest. However Bucky wanted to groom herself was how Bucky was going to groom herself and he was going to love her regardless. He loved her broad shoulders over her narrow (albeit more padded) hips. He loved the squareness of her jaw, and the size of her hands. There was no way that he could look at her and not love her.

He made a few strokes to indicate a line of muscle in her thigh and paused to try and figure out the best way to represent the stretch marks he could see there. Steve had been happy every time he got a positive text from her about her body, or when he listened to her talk about her sessions with her therapist to him on Skype. And he'd been furious every time she had told him (in a quieter voice than usual) about people who tried to make her feel bad about herself. There had been one particular argument with her mother that had left her unbalanced for days and striving to be more feminine than she felt comfortable with or that was even really possible for her. She'd broken down in tears and had asked for Steve's opinion, seeking reassurance in his unconditional acceptance. There was another incident with a guy in one of their classes that had told her that she wasn't passing. 

And that had been a whole can of worms that Steve had not been prepared for. Passing. Bucky had talked a long time about being conflicted because passing seemed so important to the other trans people that she talked to, and cis people who just had to give her an opinion on her appearance. She had heard everything from a declaration that she needed to shave her legs if she was going to wear a skirt to a long rant about how she needed to at least _try_ not to talk with such a deep voice if anyone wanted to take her _seriously_. She'd cried and had been confused about what people expected from her, and Steve had quietly planned on flying to Oregon with a lead pipe like she had suggested he would. 

Bucky was "passing" as Bucky, and that was all that mattered to Steve, everyone else be damned. She wasn't a man, she wasn't a woman, she was herself and she could express that beautiful self any way that she wanted to. He secretly hoped that someone would decide to give her an opinion about how she could pass better while he was there. He may not have a lead pipe, but his knuckles were plenty boney and ready to punch an idiot. 

"You ok, sweety?" her voice drifted over to him and he lifted his head and smiled at her.

"Sweety-pie, honey bunch..."

"Oh fuck, why'd I ask?"

"You know that I love you," Steve sang, badly, grinning at her.

"You know you have the lyrics wrong, right? It is _sugar_ pie, not _sweety_ -pie?"

"Like I give a fuck," Steve laughed, shaking his head and looking down at his drawing, "hey, listen."

"Yeah, Navi?"

"Uh, go fuck yourself for that," Steve was still laughing, grinning at the way that Bucky's lips curled up at the corners, "I was going to say you're really goddamn beautiful, but now I'm not so sure."

"What made me less beautiful, huh?" Bucky was wearing her most shit eating grin, her nose wrinkled slightly. 

"The Zelda reference."

"Hey, those are some damn solid games! You could absolutely cosplay Link if you wanted to."

"If. If I wanted to, and no, I'm not going to do that," Steve got up and went to sit on the bed with her, bringing his sketchbook along, "because I don't want to die of chickens."

"You shouldn't let out your rage on the chickens, then," Bucky snorted and sat up, peering over the edge of Steve's sketchbook, "let me see."

Hesitantly, Steve turned it around for her to see, watching her face like he always did whenever he showed her one of his drawings of her. Her smile lingered on her lips and the corners of her eyes crinkled.

"Wow...you've gotten so good, Stevie," she looked up from the drawing at him, "it looks so real."

"Do you like it?"

She nodded quickly, waiting for him to set the sketchbook aside before grabbing him by the front of the shirt and pulling him in for a kiss. He leaned down to meet her lips, aware of the warmth of her skin pressed against his arm. He eased himself carefully down to stretch out along her side, draping his arm over her hips. The fact that she was naked and he was fully clothed didn't seem to phase either of them as they held each other close, occasionally murmuring to each other affectionately.

Steve didn't even realize he was sleepy until he woke up to Bucky easing herself out of bed. He watched her as she moved through the dim blue moon light that illuminated the room. She grabbed a t shirt and a pair of soft shorts, slipping them on and running her fingers through her hair before getting back into bed with him. Steve drifted back to sleep nestled in her arms, his head on her chest.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Buck," he looked up at her, "about the shower... you're worrying about it."
> 
> "I'm worried I pushed it too far," she admitted, shifting so that he was holding her hand rather than her wrist, "I don't want to push you too far."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There is a sexual interaction in this chapter in the form of mutual masturbation with a verbal description of a sex act. This interaction does not alter Steve's asexuality, and is discussed in that context afterwards. 
> 
> Thank you for reading. :) All kudos, comments and hits are amazing encouragement. I received some of the sweetest comments on "But Never Alone". I'm glad so many people have enjoyed the fic. I hope this one is equally as enjoyable.
> 
> I do not have a beta. All mistakes are mine. If you notice something particularly glaring, please tell me.

Bucky worked the shampoo into her hair while she watched Steve. He had his back to her, his face turned up into the shower's spray, one of his hands rubbing at his shoulder almost absently. As soon as she had her shampoo in, she reached out and started to rub his shoulders for him. 

"Oh god," he groaned, leaning his head forward and giving her access to his neck as well. She hoped that the hot water would help loosen up his muscles. She'd been trying to get the knot in his shoulder since he arrived. She rubbed until her hands started to feel tender, "How about we trade places, hm? So I can rinse my hair?"

The shower was small and the process of trading places pulled laughter out of both of them. The shower curtain got caught on Bucky's ass as she tried to pass Steve on the right, and Steve shimmied along the wall, knocking down the shampoo bottle from the niche it was sitting in. Curtain back in place, shampoo bottle rescued, Bucky leaned her head back into the warm water. Steve closed the gap between them, tracing his fingers down her sides and chest. 

"Hey, you're gunna get me all excited," she warned playfully, working her fingers through her hair. When she tilted her head down, Steve looked up at her with a smile, held his hands up and backed away to the other side of the shower. She took the moment to look at him. It had been six months since she had seen him in the flesh, and a lot could happen in six months. 

He looked healthy, all things considered. Steve had always struggled with a myriad of health problems that had inhibited his growth and had kept him from gaining weight and muscle mass. Bucky was happy to see that he had developed some muscle definition in his chest and shoulders. She could still see the indentations of his ribs, but it was something she could appreciate as being natural to his body. His limbs were long and narrow, though again, he had gained some muscle that gave them more definition. There were so many differences between their bodies that Bucky could appreciate. She stepped for a little, letting the shower spray over her back, and considered him.

"What, Buck?"

"Hand me the soap and turn around."

She expected him to make some joke, but he just rolled his eyes and handed her the soap like she asked. She worked up a lather with her shower pouf and started to rub it into his back. She'd noticed, while rubbing his shoulders, that his left seemed a little higher than normal -- Steve had scoliosis, and he had always had somewhat of a crooked stance, as far back as she could remember. Rubbing soap into his back, she traced the line of his back and frowned to herself, "Is your back getting worse?"

"Ugh," Steve's groan confirmed it for her. He looked over his shoulder at her, "Yeah. Before you say anything, yeah, I'm going to go to the doctor. Soon. I'm just scared."

Bucky nodded, finishing up with his back and handing him the pouf so that he could wash hers. They did the shower shuffle again, but there was no laughter this time. The conversation was too serious for that. 

"I'm afraid," Steve continued, "that I'll need surgery. And shit... that's a major surgery."

Bucky nodded, feeling his hand trail along her back with the pouf, "I'd be there for you."

"I know, I just -- shit, how my health is, Buck? What if..."

"Nope," Bucky cut him off, turning around and slipping her arms around him, "don't go there, that wouldn't happen. You'd be fine, ok?"

Steve nodded and she dropped her head down so that she could press her forehead against his. They stood in the warmth of the shower, letting the hot water wash over them, so close that it was hard to distinguish where she ended and he began. She didn't want to think of a life without him, and she certainly didn't want to _fear_ a life without him. He was pressing soft kisses to her wet skin, slowly dragging her thoughts away from the dark places that they flew to, inspiring in her a different kind of mindset. 

"Stevie, you're gunna get me worked up."

"Oh no, not that," Steve kissed along her shoulder, smirking up at her. She rolled her eyes at him, kissing his temple. With how close they were standing together, she could feel her body responding and it actually rather surprised her that Steve wasn't pulling back. He stayed up close, letting her press herself against his hip. He shifted a little, hard against her thigh, and raised his head up to kiss her jaw. 

"So," his voice was pitched a little deeper than normal.

"So," she repeated back to him, trailing her fingers along the ridges of his spine. He leaned in to kiss some water off of her chest. There was some silence between them as they shifted slowly together, Bucky's arm loosely around Steve's back. She let him lead. As always, whenever they touched each other physically, Bucky did her best to follow Steve's cues. He had firmer boundaries than her and she would sooner die than overstep even one. They had gotten to a point where Steve seemed comfortable with their sexual contact over the phone or through text. He never really initiated -- it didn't usually occur to him, though he reassured Bucky that he enjoyed it. The one or two times that she could think of him initiating had been somewhat amusing because of how he had asked her if she was feeling up to it. It had the same tone as 'you hungry? If you're getting something, I'll have a bite'.

There were plenty of times like these that they were physically close to each other... when they were in the same state. They had started taking showers together as a way to have some privacy that was highly unlikely to be interrupted despite any parental feelings of disapproval. They slept curled into each other whenever they had the chance. They draped across each other while watching movies or reading. The process of arousal was a natural one, when bodies were touching. Bucky was no stranger to feeling Steve get physically aroused while resting against her. 

And through all her contact and conversations with Steve, Bucky had become a firm believer in different _types_ of arousal. Physical arousal, obviously, involved the natural ways their bodies responded. Bucky generally assumed that that was where Steve stopped. Of course his body would respond when touched, but it wasn't her place to make any kind of assumption that it was deeper than that or that anything needed to be done about it. She did know that he occasionally experienced what she thought of as emotional arousal -- when they'd get so wrapped up in each other that it seemed equally natural to be craving a way to communicate the need for each other through touch. They would have one or two moments each time they were together like that, but it never went beyond where they were now, wrapped up in each other under the hot water in the shower and feeling each other's bodies pressed close. Beyond that was something that she was pretty sure Steve never experienced, and she certainly struggled to exactly quantify. She didn't want to call it intellectual arousal because there was nothing particularly smart about it. It just had to do with how her mind actually engaged and tried to push forward with sex. She _wanted_ Steve in that moment, physically, emotionally, and with whatever part of herself that genuinely had a vested _interest_ in the act. 

"Stevie," she murmured, trying not to shift against him, "I want..."

Steve nodded, and as she anticipated, he stepped back a little. She mourned the space that it brought between them, but she understood it as well. He reached up to cup her face in his hands and kiss her, "Tell me."

That was familiar. She could work with that. Tell me was a definite signal that it was alright with Steve to proceed with _something_. She almost sighed with relief, dropping her head to his shoulder and reaching to wrap her fingers around herself. He put one hand on her hip.

"I want," her voice was deep and husky when it came out of her, "to feel you touching me...um, God, your hands feel good with the hot water, touching my stomach, my breasts..."

"Mm, mhmm," Steve encouraged her, and she was a little surprised to feel some movement through his body. He was touching himself. There were times when they were on the phone that she knew he touched himself while she talked, but this was the first time he had done it while they were physically in the same space. She stopped herself from acting on the desire to watch, keeping her head down against his shoulder. His fingers squeezed her hip a little, prompting her to keep talking. 

"You play with my nipples, and it feels so, so good. They've gotten so sensitive, Stevie...and you like it, you like teasing me. It feels so good," she picked up her pace in stroking herself, resisting the urge to kiss Steve's shoulder. That could easily break the spell. Steve wasn't touch repulsed, but the kind of kissing that she wanted might be too much for him. She was about to continue speaking when he did something that surprised the words right out of her brain. His hand moved from her hip up to her right breast. His touch was light, his fingertips brushing the underside of her breast, slowly moving up to her nipple. The sensitive skin puckered and responded immediately, hardening under his touch. She hadn't been exaggerating about how sensitive she had become. 

"This alright?" Steve asked her quietly and she nodded against his shoulder. 

"More than...yeah, Stevie. Are you, are you alright?"

It was Steve's turn to nod. He palmed her breast, massaging it slowly. She knew from her own experiences in touching herself that there was the firmness of muscle behind it. Sometimes, she was ok with that, others... she wished she were softer. In that moment, none of that mattered because Steve was touching her. 

"Keep talking," he prompted quietly. She nodded as quickly as she could, "Fuck, it feels good...feeling your hands on me, I'm so...so hard."

Occasionally, during their phone calls, she would describe herself as being wet for him. He told her he liked both ideas and that she could go with whatever felt best in the moment. In the shower, with him working himself while leaned up against her, hard felt best and the most accurate. 

"Your hand is on me, and you're stroking me, telling me how...how beautiful I am, how much you want me," those little things were standard in her narratives. It was, after all, a fantasy. Steve didn't protest and told her it was fine when they talked about it. He could want her in her fantasies, even though his concept of wanting her was different in their reality. 

"You turn me around to the shower wall, and fuck...fuck, you work your fingers up in me, and it feels good, feels good to know... to know you'll be in me soon, filling me up, so nice...so full," her words started to run together or space out with deeply drawn breaths. Steve's breath was coming in harsh pants as well, something that would concern her outside of this particular situation. His hand on her breast continued to rub and toy with her nipple, only adding to the feeling of warm pleasure that was growing in her body. 

"Mmmnn... then you, you push yourself inside of me and you feel, you feel so good, baby, it feels so good to have you. God, and you fuck me hard, so nice and hard, I have to brace myself up against the wall... fingers...fingers on my hips, holding on. Fuck..."

She did her best not to react when she felt a spurt of warmth against her skin and Steve's body stiffen up against her. He'd brought himself off, listening to her and leaned up against her, and it was sure to be something they'd talk about later. She wanted to look, but she kept herself in place. The fact that it even happened pushed her closer to getting off herself. 

"You're so deep inside me, so deep and I'm so full. Fuck... you cum in me, baby, right up inside me and I can feel it...feels good..." she muttered her way through it, feeling the familiar weakness in her knees after she started to cum. The warm after glow lingered around them as they pulled apart and rinsed themselves off. Steve's hand stays on her body, trailing down her side, down her hip. She's glad for the touch, and the fact that it provides some reassurance that what they just did was alright. If it wasn't alright, Steve would have stopped her, right?

"Was that ok?" she can't help herself from asking as they got out of the shower. Steve gave her a kind of dazed looking smile.

"Yeah," he reached up and cupped her face again, "I wanted you to feel good. Did it feel good?"

Bucky nodded, turning her head to kiss his palm, "Thank you, Stevie. You're sure it wasn't too much?"

"I am very good at saying no," Steve reminded her, tracing his thumb up over her cheek, "you know I'm very good at saying no. If it was too much, I would have stopped it."

"Did it feel good?" she asked, leaning into the touch, "For you?"

Steve nodded, "Yeah, of course it _felt_ good. That's whatever. I liked listening to you more than anything, you know that I like that."

They dried off and ended up in front of the mirror to brush their teeth and shave. Bucky preferred to shave in front of the mirror rather than in the shower, and Steve followed her habits. He borrowed her razor, standing with his towel wrapped around his hips while he ran the blades over his jaw. Bucky stood beside him, towel around her own hips, while she brushed her teeth. She would never admit to it because she felt it was probably strange, but she liked to leave her chest exposed while she did little mundane things like this. It was nice to be able to watch the movement of her flesh and know that he was closer to what she wanted for her own body. She didn't outright leer at her own chest, but she occasionally glanced at her reflection. Looking at the small breasts she was developing, it was still hard to believe that Steve had actually touched her. It had felt good. Now she had it on good authority that his hands really did feel as good as she imagined they would. 

She started to shave after Steve finished, smirking in amusement when he stole the razor from her to help. She loved the intensity on his face while he shaved off her five o'clock shadow. She even loved the joking little pat that he gave her cheek when he was done. 

They continued on with their morning routine, and Bucky tried not to obsess over what they had done in the shower and whether or not Steve was actually alright with it. She dressed herself for the day, pulling on a sports bra and some boxers. She was dressing herself more masculine for the day, to suit her mood. She wrapped her hair up in a bun and topped it with a baseball hat Steve had bought her. Navy blue (her favorite) with a star. Stars had become a thing between them that neither of them really had an explanation for. 

They were about to leave the apartment for Steve's first trip to Portland when he grabbed her wrist and stopped her. 

"Buck," he looked up at her, "about the shower... you're worrying about it."

"I'm worried I pushed it too far," she admitted, shifting so that he was holding her hand rather than her wrist, "I don't want to push you too far."

"I appreciate that, so much," he spoke earnestly, looking up at her, "I really, really do. You do a lot for me, baby. I'm comfortable. I was comfortable. I was happy to listen to you, happy to make you feel good, and I felt good too. Stop beating yourself up over it."

"What about you, are you going to beat yourself up over it?"

Steve shook his head, "No. No, I'm done with that, ok? Yeah, we did that. I'm still as asexual now as I was before we got in the shower. I can enjoy something with you without going into crisis mode, alright?"

Bucky was glad that they had gotten to a point where they were more firm in their identities, even if she was probably too delicate with Steve's at times out of her desire to respect him. She nodded and squeezed his hand, taking his answer and using it to quell the anxiety that she felt over the interaction. He was fine. He'd enjoyed it, and that was good. He wasn't going to be suddenly switching gears to become a sex crazed maniac. He was going to remain her solid, steady, Steve. They left the apartment, Steve using her keys to lock the door behind them.

She smiled and imagined that this was their life together rather than a little vacation for Steve. Their apartment, and their plans for the morning. It was so nice to have the person that she was the most emotionally and mentally intimate be in a space where she could be physically intimate with him. The physical intimacy of holding his hand as they walked down the stairs was just as relevant and important as what they had done in the shower, if not more so. The physical intimacy of his hand on her back while they waited for the bus came easily, and made her heart swell with emotion. Yes, he was alright and so was she. More than.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve found himself staring at her, memorizing the way that her eyes crinkled while she smiled. She was so... so vibrant here. Oregon had been good for her in ways that Steve had never imagined. He'd been so worried, two years ago, when he'd said good bye to her that everything was going to somehow be terrible and he'd end up losing her. Instead, she had ended up becoming more herself. She had a support system here that she had lacked while they were in high school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve contemplates his lack of connections with other asexual people in this chapter. His feelings of social isolation may be triggering for some people.
> 
> Brief discussion of polyamorous relationships and crushes.

Bucky poked her head around the corner, grinning at Steve from beneath the brim of what could only be qualified as an overly gigantic hat. Her already large sunglasses seemed even larger beneath the thing and Steve let out a helpless laugh. He'd been there three days, and it felt like he was home, where he belonged. They were going about things not as if they were enjoying a brief vacation together, but as if they were a couple that had been married for twenty plus years and would undoubtedly continue on.

"Oh my god, take it off," Steve got out between laughs, holding his hand against his stomach, "take it off!"

"But darling, I'm a _star_ ," Bucky emphasized the words, coming out from around the corner and strutting. Steve could only laugh more. Some of the other people in the store were staring at them and giving them a wide berth, but it was irrelevant. They were young and hopelessly in love.

"Alright, Ms. Thing," Steve gathered himself up from laughter, putting his hands on his hips, "gimme the hat. I want to be a star, too."

Bucky gladly handed the hat over and Steve perched it on his head. The sound that Bucky made in response to the sight was worth the fact that she immediately whipped out her phone and took what was sure to be an embarrassing photo. 

"You look like...like one of those fluffy headed chickens," she said, turning her phone around so that he could see. He would have probably described himself more as a Q-Tip balancing a plate, but he'd take fluffy headed chicken. 

They ended up buying the hat. 

That night, they left Bucky's apartment around midnight and drove around until they found a park, not bothering to explain the importance of it to Nat. Bucky had insisted that they bring her along, and Steve had found himself agreeing. Nat was good for Bucky. She was solid, steady and dependable. It was a bonus that she had the feeling about her that she was a person with _connections_ and could make good on her promise that no one would ever lay a hand on Bucky again. The three of them played on the swing set, Bucky spinning Nat and Steve around on the tire swing. 

Steve found himself staring at her, memorizing the way that her eyes crinkled while she smiled. She was so... so vibrant here. Oregon had been good for her in ways that Steve had never imagined. He'd been so worried, two years ago, when he'd said good bye to her that everything was going to somehow be terrible and he'd end up losing her. Instead, she had ended up becoming more herself. She had a support system here that she had lacked while they were in high school. 

On their way to the park, Bucky had told Steve about the LGBTQA+ student alliance that she was a part of and how the group had organized a "Trans Tuesday" lunch meet up. A bunch of the trans students from the campus met up on Tuesdays to hang out and eat. Sometimes, they talked about serious issues and other times they just flourished in being around people who understood where they were coming from. Bucky apparently went to most of the lunches (she'd missed that week because of Steve's flight in) and had made some casual friends there. Most of the time, they were alright and supportive, though she did get the occasional comment that seemed to have the intention of pushing the binary on her. She told Steve she had hopes more non-binary or genderqueer people would eventually show up and that she had even proposed a separate meet up just in case some people who could be reached were missing out because they'd had bad experiences in the past. 

All of it sounded wonderful, and left Steve itching. He had some support online. He was fairly active on some social media sites and forums, and open about his Gray-A identity. But, it wasn't the same as what Bucky was describing. He mostly knew usernames rather than actual names, and he had never once met a single one of the people he talked to consistently online in person. He very honestly could say that he was the only asexual person that he knew and it was very... lonely. For as supportive as Bucky was, Steve still found that he lacked true understanding. Maybe Bucky felt the same way where he was concerned with her gender identity, despite how hard he tried to be supportive and understanding of her -- he couldn't know. He could suspect, based on how badly she wanted to meet other people with her identity. At the very least, she had people who understood some of what she was going through in the trans community.

Steve didn't have anyone. The people he did know in person who he had tried to explain his identity to had looked at him like he was crazy, or had insinuated that he was actually gay/straight or what have you but couldn't face the music for some reason. They didn't seem to realize that it didn't matter what a person had between their legs, sex was still going to be as uninteresting as ever. 

And there was another quandary. He enjoyed the contact that he had with Bucky. He liked listening to her on the phone, or getting her worked up through text. He had enjoyed what they had done in the shower. But for him, it wasn't about the sexual element at all -- that was a side effect. It was more about Bucky. He'd come to the realization after their shower encounter that a lot of his enjoyment of what they did came from the fact that it was about Bucky touching her body in a way that made her excited and _happy_. It was about her accepting her body, feeling good in her own skin, and how Steve could make that happen for her. But that was something that he'd never try and bring that up to her because he had a feeling it would upset her. 

He just didn't want her feeling like she wasn't acceptable and like she couldn't feel good because her body was what it was. He hoped him listening to her on the phone, texting her, or now watching her had helped her along in some way. 

And he wished that he could explain it in a way that sounded less... distant from the act. But he couldn't. He made the decision to try and talk to his online friend, Peggy, about it when he got back home. Peggy lived in England, and their time difference was even more exaggerated than usual now that he was on the other side of the US. She had been one of the few people he'd met through social media that he had really hit it off with. He'd messaged her cautiously after reading the heading on her blog that had identified her as being biromantic and asexual, much like Steve was himself. There was just something about the way that she presented herself that had seemed to Steve like they might get along.

He wasn't wrong. Peggy was probably his best friend, aside from Bucky, and it was a damn shame that they were both so far away from him most of the time. He was grateful that technology allowed him to communicate with them as much as he was able to. So many of his friendships, with the exception of Sam, were conducted online. 

The exception of Sam. Sam was a beautiful, vibrant, young man that Steve had met through school. Well, Steve had been transformed into a human sail by the canvas that he was carrying and Sam had swept in to save him. They'd seen each other in passing a few times after that, and had finally ended up exchanging numbers and hanging out. Sam was easy to be around, and a really sympathetic person. Even if he didn't really understand where Steve was coming from on every issue, he'd still listen and be supportive. Sam was an exception in another regard. Before Sam, Steve had never even thought of the possibility of being romantically interested in anyone but Bucky. For him, Bucky had been it, and now there was Sam and damnit if Steve didn't have a _crush_. He felt somewhat deceptive in the fact that he hadn't talked to Bucky about it at all, unsure of how to broach the subject. 

After all, he'd been the one who was so concerned about Bucky finding someone else in Oregon. And there he was, still at home in New York, developing a crush and wondering exactly what he was supposed to do about it. When he'd talked to Peggy, she had expressed some concerns. Chief among them was the fact that, in the highly unlikely event that anything ever came of Steve's crush, he'd be with yet another person who experienced sexuality where he did not. Sam was gay. Steve had the potential of putting himself in another relationship with someone who wanted something he didn't have an interest in. 

All of that was putting aside the fact that he was with Bucky and had no intentions of leaving Bucky. How was he even supposed to bring up 'hey, I love you, I probably want to marry you, but I think I also like this other guy'? Especially when he'd been so vocal about his fears of losing her to someone who could offer her what Steve couldn't.

Two years had done a lot to change his mind about the dynamics of love, and developing the crush on Sam had helped it along a little. He didn't feel any less strongly for Bucky because of his crush. There was nothing about Sam that was "something Bucky couldn't offer". He was just a warm, sweet, person and Steve had the strong compulsion to love him. 

His life, in summary, was a quiet mess that he kept bundled up and tucked away and only really reflected on in a way that felt like falling down a rabbit hole. He had started out thinking about how happy he was for Bucky and there he was thinking about how convoluted and utterly confusing his thoughts and feelings were. 

He slowly tuned back into what Nat and Bucky were talking about. Nat was draped over a swing on her stomach, tracing patterns into the sand with her fingers while Bucky steadily buried her feet in the sand beside her. Bucky looked over at him and smiled, "Do we need to go home soon, sweety? You zoned out pretty hard, there."

"I'm alright," Steve sighed, "yeah, sorry. I started thinking about a lot of stuff back home. What'd I miss?"

"Nat is having boyfriend and girlfriend troubles," Bucky said with the same tone one would use describing a soap opera, "she's worried that Clint and Maria are going to murder each other while she's gone."

"It is more of an inevitability," Nat looked over at Steve, "Maria doesn't take shit and shit's all Clint has to give."

"You have a boyfriend and a girlfriend?" Steve hoped that he didn't sound too incredulous. Nat nodded, giving him a little smirk. 

"Unfortunately for me, yes."

"Do they know about each other?"

Both Bucky and Nat laughed at that and Steve felt a little stupid, like there was something he should have picked up on. 

"Oh, they know each other. Maria's his manager. It isn't as bad as I'm making it sound, they're good friends," Nat explained, "they've been good friends since before I came into the picture. Clint has a boyfriend. Maria's pretty content with what we have, but she's welcome to date someone else, too. That's how we all work."

This was an incredibly well timed conversation and Steve wondered if his subconscious had somehow picked up on it while he was mulling. Maybe that was why his thoughts suddenly veered off in another direction.

"Oh," he heard himself say lamely, "that's great. That it works."

He could feel Bucky and Nat both staring at him, so he quickly added, "I'm not bothered by it, or judging you or anything. That's sincere. That's great that it works. Everyone should be happy, doing whatever they do."

"Amen," Bucky smiled in his direction again, "and Nat's happy. Or maybe just tuckered out."

Nat pointed at him, "Don't do it."

"What, say tucker?" Bucky's grin was getting bigger, and Steve had a feeling this was some kind of in joke. How strange, to be on the outside. Still, he smiled.

"Bucky."

"All that tuckering...your poor little--"

Nat swung herself suddenly and punched Bucky in the leg, which sent her howling. Steve's hackles immediately went up, but the howl of pain resolved into a wicked cackle. 

"What about you two? I haven't heard any tuckering," Nat's swing was still moving her slightly back and forth while she looked at them, "and I expected it, after overhearing one of Bucky's phone calls. I bought ear plugs. I was prepared."

Steve was blushing harder than before with the revelation that Nat had heard one of Bucky's phone calls. He found himself opening his mouth but unable to really speak. 

"Steve's asexual," Bucky supplied, "so there's no actual tuckering going on."

"Yeah?" Nat was speaking, staring at him, and Steve felt like an insect under a magnifying glass. "We're not making you uncomfortable with the sex talk, are we?"

"No," Steve shook his head, looking away from her, "I don't find sex gross or anything, I just don't really have an interest in doing it."

"Which is fine," Bucky said quickly, "I totally support him. We have a good thing, and that doesn't _have_ to be a part of it."

The last part was to Nat, and Steve could see her nodding out of the corner of his eye. She pushed herself with her hands in the sand, "Alright. I just wanted to make sure you weren't uncomfortable. And you two do have a good thing. How much you love each other is just _sickening_."

"We could love you, too, Nat. Leave Clint and Maria, come over to us. We'll treat you good," Bucky was teasing, and Steve knew she was teasing but the fact that she'd propose such a thing made him stare. Nat laughed, chucking sand in Bucky's direction. 

"You are way too high maintenance for me, Buck," Nat chucked more sand in Bucky's direction, "but Steve's sweet. Do I get 50% off if I only take the one of you?"

Bucky gasped, kicking sand back at her, "Hell no! We're a packaged deal! You don't get his sweet without me!"

They were having a playful sand battle and Steve wondered if he had somehow fallen into another dimension. He tried to picture having the conversation about his feelings for Sam with Bucky and couldn't, even though she was _maybe_ receptive to the idea. He tried to picture asking Sam out, with the stipulation that he was part of a packaged deal and... couldn't. Finally, he shook himself and got off the tire swing, moving over to where Nat and Bucky had excavated little trenches in front of the swing. He grabbed a handful of sand and joined in the mock battle. Now was the time to enjoy his life with his girlfriend and their newest friend. They were a packaged deal, and it was about time that he shook himself out of his weird mood and got with the program. The day had started with a giant hat and laughter and he'd be damned if he was going to let his mulling sully it. 

Bucky was running across the playground with Nat on her heels, trying to cram sand down the back of her shirt. Steve quickly followed, grabbing Nat around the hips and trying to pull her back. Somehow, that lead to Bucky over balancing and the three of them fell over into the sand, laughing and swearing at each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peggy's relationship with Angie was not mentioned in this chapter but will feature later. I had originally mentioned it and ended up cutting the paragraph. I don't have a beta, all mistakes are mine.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He’s in the bathroom, if you want you can wait a moment or I can have him call you back?” Bucky cradled the phone against her shoulder and started loading the dishwasher. She wasn’t sure why she’d answered. It would have been just as easy to let the call go to voicemail. 
> 
> “I can wait,” Sam’s answer came, quickly followed by, “are you the infamous girlfriend?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No major warnings for this chapter; discussion of polyamory.

Steve’s phone started to buzz on the counter while Bucky was cleaning up from the dinner they’d made together. Steve had stepped away to use the bathroom. Bucky automatically reached out and picked up the phone, stopping just short of actually answering the call. In the past, she would have answered without thought. Wherever Steve was, Bucky was too, so it had not been unusual for them to answer each other’s phones. But now…

But now their lives were parallel lines. Close, but not exactly touching. She looked at the display and read the caller’s name. Sam. Sam’s contact picture showed a man with a handsome face and an open expression. The gap in his front teeth gave his smile a charming quality. Sam.

Bucky swiped her thumb against the phone’s screen to answer the call and raised it to her ear, “Hello?”

“He—oh. Did I get the wrong number?” Sam’s voice suited his face, “No… is Steve around?”

“He’s in the bathroom, if you want you can wait a moment or I can have him call you back?” Bucky cradled the phone against her shoulder and started loading the dishwasher. She wasn’t sure why she’d answered. It would have been just as easy to let the call go to voicemail. 

“I can wait,” Sam’s answer came, quickly followed by, “are you the infamous girlfriend?”

A small smile tugged at the corner of Bucky’s lips. The infamous girlfriend. She knew that her voice sounded absolutely masculine over the phone. She made no attempts to alter it, allowing it to remain at the same level of bass that it had been since she’d hit puberty. The fact that this Sam dared to make the guess anyways was appealing. Of course, Steve would have told his friends where he was going. 

“Infamous, huh?” she replied, “Do I want to know what he’s been saying about me?”

“He only tells me the good stuff, I promise,” Sam seemed like the kind of guy who was easy to talk to as he spoke, “and I hate to call while he’s visiting with you. I wouldn’t have, but…”

“Everything alright?” Bucky found herself asking despite the fact that the man on the other end of the line was a stranger.

“Yeah, well… mostly?” 

It was at that point that Steve returned from the bathroom. His expression was almost unreadable, but Bucky could tell from the slight raise of his eyebrows that he was _concerned_. Concerned, seeing her holding his phone. She have him an easy smile before she spoke to Sam, “Oh, here’s Steve.”

She held out the phone, keeping the smile on her face. That faint look of concern was interesting to her — it felt like something that never would have been there, two years ago when they were just getting started on the road to having an actual relationship. It would be easy to attribute it to the fact that they weren’t often around each other anymore, and that it would be stressful to see _anyone_ holding your phone. But there was something about it that nagged at the back of her mind. Steve took the phone from her quickly.

“Hello? Oh, hey, Sam. How’re you? …Oh, shit,” Steve leaned against the counter, holding the phone to his good ear. Bucky watched him for a moment, then returned to the dishes to mull over that moment of concern. Listening to Steve responding to Sam, she pieced together that Sam had originally been able to pick Steve up from the airport that plans had changed due to something in his family. 

“Thanks for the heads up, Sam. Yeah… I’ll text you later, alright? Bye,” Steve ended the conversation and set his phone down, letting his fingers linger on the screen for a moment before he turned to Bucky, “It seems like it has been forever since you’ve answered my phone.”

“I didn’t even think about it,” Bucky replied with a light (forced) chuckle, turning around to look at Steve, “everything alright?”

“Yeah, he just can’t pick me up anymore. He’s headed upstate with his parents tomorrow for a few days. His niece is scheduled to have surgery and they want a lot of the family around for support.”

“She alright?”

Steve nodded, picking up his phone and slipping it in his pocket, “She tore a tendon in her knee. Poor thing is only like…six. She’s not dying or anything, she’s just scared and Sam’s family is like that. They huddle up to give support when someone’s going through something big.”

“He sounded like a nice guy.”

“Yeah… he is. He really is. Good friend.”

A silence settled between them that Bucky could only think of as being awkward. Steve was looking anywhere but at her, and she was just standing there, looking at him. There was a conversation that should be happening between them that just wasn’t starting. And how could she start it? That moment of concern… she started to worry that Steve was actually dating Sam. She was quick to try and dismiss that thought. Steve was so honest, and it would be so uncharacteristic of him to cheat on her. At the very least, she guessed that Steve _liked_ this Sam. She knew his body language as well as her own, and the way he had held himself while talking to Sam on the phone… well. Easy, relaxed shoulders, a light smile, even if what they were discussing wasn’t good news? Steve liked Sam. 

“He’s cute, too,” she finally started to speak again, “well, at least the picture you have for him on your phone is.”

That jarred a nervous laugh out of Steve and she watched as he struggled his way through that statement. She wondered, watching his expression shift, if he would deny what she’d said.

“…Yeah, he is,” Steve said, settling his gaze somewhere around Bucky’s feet, “I think you’d really like him. He’s funny as hell.”

Another beat of silence and Bucky hoped that her smile wasn’t too tight. Steve had been so worried about Bucky leaving him for someone else, which was another reason that she really shouldn’t have been concerned about him cheating on her, even as fleeting as that concern had been. But hearing him admit to the fact that he thought Sam was cute was… odd. She would have been perfectly happy to talk about people that they mutually appreciated physically, but it had always seemed as if Steve was uninterested. Out of respect for her boyfriend, she’d never pushed. Subsequently, she had never heard Steve say that anyone beside her was “cute”. 

And her smile must have been too tight because Steve was stepping into her personal space, reaching up to wrap his arms around her neck. She immediately responded by reaching down to slip her arms around him.

“Hey, uh. I think he’s cute, and funny. He’s a good guy, but. You don’t gotta worry, ok? You’re my girlfriend,” Steve said, making her look at him, “I’m not going to do anything you’re not ok with.”

That was interesting. She felt herself wrinkle her nose while she processed what he had just said. There were some implications in what he’d said, “So, what wouldn’t I be ok with?”

Steve’s cheeks reddened. He snagged his lower lip in his teeth and worried it until he got around to answering, “I’m not going to cheat on you.”

“But you thought about it?”

As soon as those words were out of her mouth, Steve was trying to pull away from her, “It isn’t like that. He’s… he’s great. If I weren’t… you know. I’d think about, uh. Dating him. But I am.”

“You’re what, Steve?” Bucky kept her hands on him, not wanting him to pull away and flee the conversation, “There’s a few things I can think of to fill in that blank. If you weren’t asexual, if you weren’t busy, if you weren’t—”

“If I weren’t with you,” Steve cut her off, his brows creasing in a look of annoyance, “Bucky. If I weren’t with you, yeah, I’d think about dating Sam. But that’s not here or there because I am with you. Why are you being such a pain about this?”

“I’m just asking you questions, I don’t know why that qualifies me as being a pain, Steve,” Bucky snipped, “I said he was cute. You’re the one who brought up cheating.”

“You answered my phone! And you had that look on your face!” Steve managed to free himself from her and backed up a few steps, “You forget how well I know you. I _know_ you, Buck. You thought I was cheating on you. I could see it on your face the moment I walked into the room.”

Bucky raised her fingers to her temple, rubbing slowly like she was trying to work out a headache, “Ok, so, it crossed my mind. But I know you better than to think you actually would, ok?”

Tense, almost angry silence. Steve was indignant, slowly flexing his hands. Bucky had seen him get riled up countless times over the years, but she had so rarely been on the receiving end of his temper that it left a sour taste in her mouth. It took a minute for Steve to nod, but the flex in his jaw told her that he was grinding his teeth. 

“The other night, when we were in the park with Nat,” Steve’s voice was quiet, and he was still tense while he spoke, “and she talked about her relationship situation.”

He halted and Bucky wondered if she was supposed to prompt him. She waited, watching his face, watching him working through his emotions as he tried to get his words out. She wanted to reach out for him, but the fact that he was still gritting his teeth meant that it was best that she gave him some space yet. 

“I’d never. I mean. I’d never actually talked to anyone who seemed… happy, like that. But Nat seems happy. Adjusted. And it was so… so serendipitous? That she started talking about that because I. I was thinking about Sam. Shit, Buck,” Steve stammered out, pushing his face into his hands before he continued speaking, “I really like him. I’m not about to step out on you, or anything like that. But. I don’t know. I think maybe I’m like Nat?”

The stammered confession took Bucky by surprise. Steve Rogers was exactly the last person Bucky would have thought of as polyamorous. He’d never shown interest in anyone but her. It wasn’t that Bucky had anything against polyamory; hardly. She knew she had the capacity within herself to love more than one person, but she had never brought it up because it seemed so unlikely for Steve. She must have been doing something strange with her face because Steve closed the distance between them again, forcing his way into her arms and burrowing his face against the solidity of her chest.

“I’m sorry, Buck, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t think like that, I just… I’m so confused about it, and I like him so much but I want to marry _you_ ,” Steve’s voice was muffled against her body and she had to tug at his elbow to get him to lean back and look at her.

“Hey, calm down. I’m not mad. I’m not mad, Steve. I’m surprised, ok? That’s all. I never would have guessed but this kinda goes to prove that I shouldn’t make assumptions about people,” she smoothed her hands up his arms, “you don’t have to talk marriage to get me to not be mad at you, ok? Because I’m not mad.”

“But I really do want to marry you,” Steve said quietly, making another attempt to burrow against Bucky’s shoulder, “I mean that. Not right this moment, obviously…”

Bucky couldn’t help but wrap her arms around him. The declaration was touching, there was no doubt about that — and she returned the sentiment. She could picture herself marrying Steve Rogers and making a life with him, despite the fact that they were currently living across the country from one another. She’d be moving back home within a few short years and then they’d continue to make it work as they always had. 

“I want to marry you too, baby, but we were talking about Sam,” Bucky murmured, smoothing her hands along the narrow plane of his back, “let’s start there. Let’s go with our honesty policy, alright? Are you trying to tell me that you want to date him?”

Steve sucked in a breath, keeping his face pressed firm against Bucky’s shoulder. His words came out in a rush, “I think so, but I also liked what you said when we were talking about Nat — we’re a packaged deal. I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t want to date him if you didn’t, too.”

That definitely took Bucky by surprise. Her hands stilled on his back and her brows creased together, “What?”

“I don’t want to date him alone, I’d want us both to date him. Is that not… is that not something we can do?” Steve looked up at her, “I mean, if you’d want to even. Or you’re even ok with this. And if he’d want to. I’m kind of just nervously spouting my way through this. Shit.”

“I have to think this over, honestly,” Bucky met his gaze and kept her voice as even as she could, “I’m not necessarily opposed to. Well, to adding someone, so long as we don’t forget what we have together. That being said, I still want to think about this. I don’t know Sam. And I don’t know how well I could do with two long distance relationships — especially if I’m starting one long distance, you know?”

Steve nodded quickly, “That’s fair. More than fair.”

The silence that fell between them wasn’t as awkward as before. Steve stared up into Bucky’s face before hugging onto her again, clinging like he thought she would change her mind about what she had just said and push him away. It was surprising to her, there was no way to deny that. She had been honest in what she had told him. She wasn’t opposed to them dating someone together. It was the distance and the thought of beginning a relationship at that distance that was daunting. She traced her nails against the notches of Steve’s spine. 

“So… tell me about Sam. Is he asexual too?”

Steve shook his head, leaning into her hands, “No, not that I know of? He’s never mentioned it to me. I’ve told him I am. About Sam. Uhh…”

Bucky guided Steve to the living room, pulling him into her lap, and listened to him tell her about Sam. She learned that Sam was in the New York National Guard, and that he was toying with the idea of going active duty when his contract was up. He was working on a psych degree, and was somewhat of an activist. Steve made him sound like an intelligent, well rounded and passionate man that Bucky could easily like. He had been nice enough to talk to, as briefly as they had earlier… and well, he _was_ handsome. There was a good chance that this could be something good, and that it could work. 

Or it could be a complete disaster that could result in heart break for all parties involved. That could be incredibly awkward for Steve, since he knew Sam in person and was clearly very enamored. The worst case scenario would be all of them parting ways, even Bucky and Steve despite the fact that they had just acknowledged that they both wanted to eventually get married and were the “packaged deal”. 

There would have to be long talks and negotiations. And well, of course, Bucky would have to actually _meet_ Sam.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m sorry,” Steve answered as honestly as he could, clutching his phone and reaching for answers, “that was… dumb of me. I didn’t even think about it. I don’t-- I don’t think about it. It really didn’t occur to me that that would be a problem.”
> 
> Bucky sighed and leaned back on the couch, looking anywhere but at him. They both had that problem, refusing to give eye contact when they were upset with the other. It was an almost childish form of denial, but he could hardly call her on it. He’d been doing the same thing in the kitchen not more than an hour before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is an angsty chapter, and may be triggering for individuals who deal with misgendering and dysphoria surrounding their identities. There is also some talk about sexualities and the negotiation of relationships in this chapter.
> 
> Pronoun usage shifts in this chapter.

Negotiations were already going roughly and the whole concept of dating Sam hadn’t even gotten to Sam yet. They’d made the decision that Steve would introduce Bucky to Sam when she came home over the Christmas break. It was months away, but Steve was willing to wait. That wasn’t the part that was going roughly. 

“He’s gay,” Bucky handed Steve’s phone back to him, “he says so, right there, in his blog header.”

“I know he’s gay, Buck. He told me that himself.”

“And you see no problem with that?” Bucky quipped at him. They’d managed to calm down from the anxious silence that had been between them in the kitchen, but the whole revelation that Sam was actually gay was stoking the fires again. Steve chewed his lip and looked down at his phone. He was mentally kicking himself for his own shortsightedness. In the park, he’d been wondering if Bucky craved understanding of her gender situation that he couldn’t provide, and he’d absolutely answered that question for himself by overlooking her gender identity. 

“He’s _gay_ ,” Bucky was saying, “and I’m _not a man_? Steve.”

“I’m sorry,” Steve answered as honestly as he could, clutching his phone and reaching for answers, “that was… dumb of me. I didn’t even think about it. I don’t-- I don’t think about it. It really didn’t occur to me that that would be a problem.”

Bucky sighed and leaned back on the couch, looking anywhere but at him. They both had that problem, refusing to give eye contact when they were upset with the other. It was an almost childish form of denial, but he could hardly call her on it. He’d been doing the same thing in the kitchen not more than an hour before. 

“I’m being honest,” he continued, “I didn’t even think about him… not being attracted to you. I’m sorry. It isn’t about you ‘really’ being a man or anything like that. If you were looking at me, you’d see me doing air quotes. I don’t think you’re really a man. Please, Bucky? I fucked up. I know I fucked up.”

Bucky looked over at him and Steve kicked himself all over again because of the look on her face. She just looked so absolutely exasperated and a little sad behind the eyes.

“That… yeah, it’s fine,” she sighed, reaching over and putting her hand on his knee, “I know you didn’t mean it. You didn’t mean to hurt my feelings or invalidate me. You’ve been my support all through this. I guess that’s why it did hurt as much as it did.”

Steve cringed inwardly and moved closer to her, doing his best to gather her into his arms and pull her head against his chest, “I’m sorry. I’m really so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings at all. I literally didn’t think about attraction outside of me thinking he’s cute and a great guy. I didn’t see him being gay as a problem because I didn’t… see anything sexual. I’m sorry.”

Bucky slowly eased her arms around him and buried her face against his chest. It was a long time before she spoke, “I get it. I know you don’t see things that way. There really wouldn’t even be anything sexual since it’d be long distance for me, but the whole premise is there. We’re both, I assume… what was the word? I always forget it, sorry.”

“Allosexual?” 

“Yeah,” Bucky nodded against his chest, “I mean, I assume he is since he’s listing a sexuality on his blog and told you he’s gay.”

Steve nodded, lowering his head to nuzzle into her dark hair, “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not a man,” Bucky started speaking again and Steve almost interrupted her with yet another apology, “but I’m not a woman, either. I tried using neutral pronouns again, but no one… no one gives a shit about them. I’m lucky if I get ‘she’, and I’m way more comfortable with that than ‘he’. If I say I want ‘they’ or ‘ze’ I get looks like I just sprouted another head. Then there’s the whole… complication of sexuality. I don’t identify as male, so I don’t want to be… be wanted by someone who identifies as gay, because that makes me a man, do you follow? And a guy who identifies as straight wouldn’t find me attractive because I’m too masculine, so I’m shoved further away from being a woman -- not that I exactly want that, anyways. It is all so...fucked. Then, I get to hear about how I’m not trans enough, or not trying hard enough to pass from the trans community around campus and I just don’t know what the fuck to do with myself.”

Hearing her starting to break made Steve tighten his arms around her. He nuzzled his face into her hair more, trying his best to rock her, “Baby, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“I know you didn’t mean it,” Bucky cut him off, even though her voice wasn’t harsh, “I know. Being here has been so good for me in so many ways, but in others… I miss you. I miss how much you support me, and how I don’t feel like I have to struggle to be me around you. I’m sorry for getting so upset, Stevie, I just have this -- this image, in my head, of us and you and that was such a… a difference. I know you didn’t mean it and that the whole thing was because we think of things different. Fuck. Can I look at you?”

They both pulled back a little so that she could look at his face. There were tears in her eyes that made Steve immediately start mentally kicking himself. At the same time though? There was a small corner of his mind that was...relieved. Even though they existed in two different types of communities and had different experiences, there was a kind of isolation that followed them both. Steve didn’t have anyone he physically knew that understood his sexuality and the more he thought about the little complications, the more he realized that there were people within his online community that wouldn’t understand his particular situation. The relief he was feeling came from knowing that Bucky felt some degree of the isolation he did, that she could understand that sensation. Maybe, just maybe, they could keep helping each other. He cupped her face and pressed a kiss to her forehead. 

“We’re going to figure all of this out, alright? We always do. We always figure things out, and this is going to be no problem, ok? You have my back, and of course I have your back. Do you want me to use neutral pronouns now? I will. We tried for a little, before. We can try again.”

Bucky heaved a deep sigh, rubbing her hand up his leg in an attempt to ground herself. They’d always found peace and connection with each other, even when they did get into arguments. He could think of a dozen times that they’d had ridiculous fights, snarling at each other but holding onto each other for some since of normality, holding on to get back to a place where they could see eye to eye. 

“Yeah,” she finally said, “I think… I’d like to try ‘ze’. ‘They’ if it gets tough. I don’t know. I’m going to stick with my hormones. I like how my body is starting to look.”

Steve nodded, putting his hand over zir’s on his leg, “Alright, that’s more than fine. I think you look amazing. And I can absolutely use ze. I’ll switch to they if you ask. Should I call you my girlfriend still or…?”

There could absolutely be a difference in views when it came to how to relate Bucky to himself. He watched her face, watched the way that her nose scrunched up and waited for an answer.

“I like being your girlfriend,” ze murmured, “and how fucked up is that? I want to be neutral but I want to be your girlfriend. I think I have a strong grasp on my identity and then… well, there’s an open window to throw it out of. I don’t know. Let me think on it. I might even go back on the whole pronoun thing before tonight’s over. I don’t even know. I’m just upset and stupid.”

“You’re not stupid,” Steve reached to run his fingers through zir hair, “the last thing you are is stupid. This stuff is… hard. I didn’t even think about Sam possibly not being attracted to you, or what his attraction would mean for you, because I don’t think like that, you know? It isn’t like I don’t see gender or don’t think about people in terms of gender, I just didn’t think about the whole sexual aspect or preferring to have sex with someone based on their gender. Like, being gay seems so… abstract to me, which makes me feel like some kind of alien. That kind of thing shouldn’t be abstract.”

“If I’m not stupid, you’re not an alien, Steve.”

They both smiled at each other briefly before Steve continued, “I just… I think Sam’s cute, and I really like him. I like being around him. I can’t think of him the same way that I think about you, because it isn’t about the same thing. I don’t even know if I could do the… the things we do? With him. It isn’t the same.”

“What’s that mean, it isn’t about the same thing? What’s what we do ‘about’?”

Steve had dreaded this conversation. He pursed his lips and made himself keep talking, “I… listen, I never wanted to tell you this, which is kind of shitty in and of itself, because I was worried that it would upset you. But the things we do? The sexual aspect of it is so irrelevant, so secondary to me, even when I do get turned on and end up touching myself. I like what we do because you like it, and because it… it makes you happy, with your body. I like thinking of you being happy in your body, and doing things that make you feel good about it. Like, what we did in the shower? I really enjoyed touching you because it seemed like something that… that helped you feel right. Which I threw to the wind with my whole not understanding why Sam being gay would be a problem for you.”

Bucky laughed a little sharply and leaned zir forehead against his, “I’m not upset, I’m just worried we’re going to go too far and you’re going to be uncomfortable. I don’t want something like that to just be about me. I don’t want to risk you doing something that makes you unhappy or grossed out or anything like that.”

“Nothing about you grosses me out, let’s get that straight,” Steve was quick to say, “and I really do enjoy what we do, it just isn’t the same for me as it is for you. I don’t know, it is just… emotionally alright, because I’m helping you and I get to see you feeling good. That’s great for me. If something was really making me uncomfortable, you know I’d say something about it.”

Ze nodded, once more rubbing zir hand up Steve’s leg in that familiar grounding gesture, “I know. I still worry. You’re more of a worry wart than me, Steve, so don’t even start to tell me not to worry.”

Steve laughed quietly at that, nodding, “Yeah, that’s fair. Bucky...I love you.”

“I love you too, punk,” Bucky murmured, leaning in to kiss him softly, “now finish your sentence.”

Another laugh and Steve shook his head, “Jerk. What if… what if this Sam thing could still work? Like, me dating both of you, and maybe there’s the possibility that he’s a bit… homoflexible.”

“Homoflexible, Steve.”

“Hey, people use heteroflexible, why can’t there be homoflexible?”

Bucky was smiling but quiet. Ze looked away, towards the television neither of them were watching, “I guess we can keep talking about it but I really don’t want him to see me as a man.”

“He won’t, I promise,” Steve tried to reassure zir, “he doesn’t see you as a man right now, I don’t know why dating would change that.”

“Well, he could say no to the idea of dating both of us because he doesn’t see me as a man. That’s a factor. Being in a relationship with us could mean he’s dating someone who’s asexual, and someone he has no emotional interest in but could have some kind of… misguided sexual interest in if he doesn’t think about correctly gendering me, do you follow?”

“I follow, but I also have faith in Sam,” Steve pick zir hand up, “that he won’t be a dick to you. If he says no, he says no, and I’ll respect that and try and get over my crush.”

“I’m also long distance for the next few years,” Bucky pointed out, “so even if he says yes to this whole thing… I feel bad that we’re having this conversation without him even knowing about it.”

Steve nodded, kissing over zir knuckles, “I’ll bring it up. We will.”

“And he and I aren’t even friends right now,” Bucky continued, watching him kiss of zir knuckles, “doesn’t that add another element of weirdness?”

“I’ll give you both contact information so you can be friends,” Steve supplied with a smile, “and I know you’ll get along. Hey, even if the dating thing doesn’t work, he’ll be our friend.”

“Maybe you should just date him on your own,” Bucky sighed, squeezing Steve’s hand, “I thought that was what you’d want when you brought up the possibility of being polyamorous in the first place. You know, Natasha isn’t dating Clint’s boyfriend, too.”

“But I liked what you said about us being a packaged deal,” Steve looked up at zir, “I really did. I don’t want to do anything without you, and if I have another partner… I want them to love you as much as I do. If this is a thing I do, that we do, I’d want to do it _with_ you. That’s the only thing that makes the idea appealing to me, ok? Being _with_ you, and someone else. If you aren’t a part of that, I don’t want the someone else, either.”

“What if I don’t like Sam?” Bucky asked tentatively, “He’s cute, seems easy to talk to, but what if I just don’t click with him? The whole… gay thing, aside.”

“Then I don’t date him,” Steve promised, making steady eye contact, “it is you and me, or nothing.”

“You drive a hard bargain, asshole,” Bucky murmured and tugged Steve into zir lap, “and it is hard to stay mad at you when you look at me like that and say sweet things.”

“What’d I say that was sweet?”

“You and me, or nothing. That’s sweet,” Bucky pecked him a kiss, “to me, at least.”

Steve tucked himself against zir chest, tracing his fingers along zir side, “Well, we are in it together ‘til the end of the line.”

“Sap.”

Steve had a big smile on his face, “Ain’t no grave can hold my body down, I’ll crawl home to you?”

“Creepy Hozier reference. Still a sap.”

“I was made for loving you baby?” 

Bucky was laughing under him, zir side quivering with repressing it, “I ain’t singing Moulin Rouge with you.”

“Now you’re just no fun,” Steve countered with a smile. Things were going to be alright. They’d figure it out. They always did.


	6. Art work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A portrait of enby Bucky from the fic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jbbarnes-is-gq on tumblr  
> saelokason is my art tumblr


End file.
